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High Society Socialites Destroy the Neighborhoods of the Sufficiently Wealthy

By Anon. 

Chicago, Illinois - The once up and coming town of Canaryville in Chicago, Illinois is nearing destruction as high-class socialites begin to move in and renovate the city. With an it-girl and a liquid nitrogen restaurant developing on every corner, how will this middle-class neighborhood survive?


A recent influx of high-class socialites has led to the removal of many middle-class plebeians from their homes all over the town. Reports of mass evictions are popping up all over and, tenants - who have been living and thriving there for almost 8 years - are clearly angry. The mere $45,000-$125,000 salaries of the residents fail to keep them afloat in the ever-developing neighborhood.


The residents of the town have worked for the past 8 years to bring the once barren town to success. Rychard Price, the owner of a chain of Chipotle eateries in the area and a resident of the area for 7 years, talked to the JST about the recent arrival of the socialites. “Eight years ago we came in and gentrified this place. We renovated it and made it the successful town it is. When I moved here businesses were closing and the place was a mess. How dare these socialites decide to take over our town!” Price’s shop can be found in place of the old family-owned restaurant, Bianchi’s Pizzeria, which closed before Price moved in. “Oh yeah Bianchi’s. That place was a mess. They didn't have those LED signs, any modern decor or a fancy marking tactic. I don't know how on earth they were able to remain open for so long (since 1967). Thank god that place closed and all the residents went with it. It was definitely not good for our town.”


Another local business owner, Joise Mychaels spoke with the JST about her experience. Mychaels owns a chain of Starbucks artisanal cafes and was open about how the socialites are destroying her business. “We’ve had to hike up the prices of our popular no dairy skinny soy milk double shot hazelnut almond lattes just to afford to stay in this neighborhood. The aristocrats are taking over a place that some have called home for 8 whole years.”


She continued to describe the effects of the influx on her life. “We put this town on the map for the small price of getting rid of all the family-owned businesses and the families who had lived here for generations before. How could socialites hike up all the prices and take over our businesses, like they owned the place without any consideration for us? Nothing like this has ever happened in the neighborhood before we don't know how to deal with it!”


The business owners and white-collar workers of Canaryville turned a longstanding cultural hub into a suburbia of “ticky-tacky little boxes”. Socialites, craving the “poverty chic” lifestyle of     the middle class, are pushing out people who have worked tirelessly to “whitewash” and gentrify their city.


Day by day, each time residents return from their office jobs they notice a new change. Their chain restaurants are being replaced with imported sushi stands, Camerys with Teslas, and proms with debutante balls. Canaryville is becoming a city full of ivy league legacies and trust fund babies who head to Sunday morning brunch in the new Dolce & Gabbana without even seeing the suffering they are causing around them. The residents just want things back to how they used to be. A moderately priced overdeveloped city.

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